A New Dawn and Other Matters Arising by Joseph Edgar ...

Investment banker Joseph Edgar, who writes as a hobby from a very interesting point of view, writes on the inauguration and other trending topics.

A New Dawn?

By the time you guys read this, my guy Muhammadu would already have been President for at least 48 hours. He would have already taken his first bath in the State House and slept on the bed and watched his favourite TV Programme, Moments with MO. Tinubu and Amaechi are downstairs still debating on who will be the next Senate President while our new First Lady in the kitchen preparing Presidential Kunu for Muhammadu. 

This weekend is not when to bother about people like Deziani and Ifeanyi Ubah, this evening is for just relaxing and thanking God for allowing us fulfill our dream of replicating OBJs feat of ruling twice both as Military Dictator and Civilian President.

The Probes can start from Monday, the wahala with subsidy, naira devaluation, Boko Haram and the huge debt Jonathan left behind would be dealt with then. This night it's for boogie. The disco party being organized by Oluremi Tinubu must be used to showcase the new dance steps recently learnt from the last trip to the UK. Where is that jeans sef, the one I wore when IBB came calling at the State House that cold December morning when I had to quickly retreat to Daura?

That reminds me, IBB must not be invited to today's party. Let him go and party in Otuoke after all he never made up his mind early as to who he will vote for.

Me, Muhammadu Kai, Shege. Me President again, I have to buy plenty socks o. I have to be changing these socks regularly so that my style go become national style like that stupid south south attire wey Jonathan been dey parade and people like Asari dey copy am. I will make sure wearing socks under the babaringa will be the only accepted attire for all cabinet members.

That reminds me, all these Yeye Governors because dey think dem borrow me money for campaign they think they can choose ministers for me. They are joking, I have warned them they should stay clear. I already have my cabinet chosen and ready.

The Bank Manager that borrowed me the money to buy the Form would be the Minister of Finance, the guy taking care of my Cattle in Daura will be the Minister of Agriculture, my tailor who sews my lovely Babaringa will be my Minister of culture and finally the first man who opened the way for Trekkers, yes the one who first trekked from Lagos to Abuja would be my Minister of Sports.

Finally, this Tinubu how will I cut him down to size. His big eyes is disturbing me. Election that I have contested three times and have garnered enough experience, knowing all the intricacies and now they are saying its Tinubu that helped me in the election and that one sef is just carrying himself about like he is the Jagaban of Aso Rock.

I know what I will do, I will make sure I organize Owambe parties all over the place to distract him while I make major policy decisions. Me, I am ready this time o. This Presidency will be the Presidency to end all Presidencies. Make we start.

Bukola Saraki Has My Vote.

Let me jump into this fight. My sole candidate for the Senate Presidency is His Excellency Senator Bukola Saraki simply because I once saw his father eat Amala at a party in Gbagada. My very good friend Feyi Banjoko was having a party for her cousin somewhere in Gbagada long time ago and she invited me. It was at this party that I met, the legendary Olusola Saraki, father to Bukola.

I watched him very closely as he greeted everybody and carefully sat to eat his Amala and Ewedu soup. He devoured the food with so much vigor, he was very hungry that day and asked for extra Amala. When the Amala was not forthcoming he stretched and took my own. I was so proud, that I could not wait to get home to tell my mum, that Olusola Saraki took my Amala.

Ever since, I have followed very closely the fortunes of this family, from the crashing of Societe Generale Bank, their family bank through Bukola's emergence as Governor and his fight with his Sister Gbemi. My understanding of the Saraki enigma was complete when I used to go to ilorin to beg the Present Governor for business as an Investment Banker when he was Commissioner of something. The man will seat me down and tell me how Bukola was the next best thing after Agege Bread. The man will talk and talk and at the end of the day, he will not give me the business and he will not even give me food or transport money.

I used to imagine which kind Commissioner be this and be praying in my mind for him to loose election. So you see my long relationship with Bukola hence my support. So I am appealing to all Senators to please kindly elect Bukola Saraki as the next Senate President for all the reasons I have stated above. Thank you.

Senator Elect, Buruji 'America' Kashamu

Look my anger will boil over if and when my best Friend is bundled to America before he hands over his Rolls Royce to me. I am using this platform to send a very strong signal to all our enemies both local and international that they should stay away at least until I am able to convince Kashy to give me the Rolls.

But seriously, I sat him down one beautiful afternoon as we drank Palmwine, near OBJ's hilltop mansion and asked him to look straight into my eyes and tell me the honest to God truth if he was the real drug baron that the Americans were looking for. He stared deep into my eyes, his blood shot eyes peering into my sexy eyes and swears by the gods of his ancestors that it wasn't him.

That it was his lookalike brother that was the baron. I looked at him with disbelief but immediately I saw the Rolls Royce I immediately believed him. Look Kashy is an honest Nigerian, the only drug he has ever seen is paracetamol and even that sef, na me dey buy for am. I believe in his integrity and sportsmanship.

 It's obj, Bode George, Stephen Keshi, Koro and Baba Suwe who have all conspired to give him a bad name. So the house arrest and siege must stop immediately. Kashy is innocent and we will not hand him over to the Americans. Have they finished catching all the drug barons in their
country, what is so special about our own. If they they catch him, will it stop all the drug trafficking in their country?

Please they should leave our own Kashy, is that the Boko Haram that want to help us catch? They know how to bring arrest warrant to deliver, why can't they take it to Sambisa forest and see what will happen to them?

Abeg, leave my brother o, let him give me the Rolls Royce, I need to sell it to buy food and fuel for the teeming population who cannot afford to eat daily.


Ifeanyi Ubah The Messiah

Na wa. This person who just a few months ago was running from pillar to post trying to save his head and company from total collapse and bankruptcy is now the one who offered to save NIGERIA from the hands of the Marketers who suddenly decided to bring all of us to our knees.
Ubah gleefully announced that he was releasing 13million Litres of Petrol to alleviate the suffering masses and like the gullible Roman Mob, Nigerians immediately starting deifying him. Praising him to high heavens and forgiving him for all his sins and wishing he had contested against Buhari instead of the hapless Jonathan.
I made the grave mistake of writing an article on social media querying his intentions and the possibility since I know that he only owned storage tanks and could not import. My people if you see the level of abuse Nigerians abuse me over three widely circulated blogs and on Twitter ehn?
My daughter, Chantal after reading the insults staryed crying that this was too much. You see the sacrifice I make for this country. On Stella's blog,at least one hundred and eleven people called me all sort of names from 'idiot' to 'homosexual'. Some who knew me, asked me to go and pay my house rent and stop begging for attention. The fact that Ubah must have been privy to the meeting called by the Senate and the likelihood that the strike would have been called off was lost on the marauding crowd, but who will blame the people who over the last two weeks have
been living like hermits in caves? I swear some people could not even make love because of the heat, so who was I to berate Ubah even if this was crass tokenism at its best? I have learnt to avoid Social
Media, that place is really not for deep thinkers like me and Soyinka. That place consists mostly of intellectually bereft inanities who spend their time trolling and looking for the next subject or personality to throw jibes and intellectually bereft misogynist assaults on internationally recognised juggernauts like me. So, all those kukuruku who abused me on all those childish blogs and Twitter, I hereby challenge your champion, choose one person to come fight me at Eagle
Square to celebrate Muhammadu's 100 days in office, when the Naira would be trading at par to the dollar and fuel would be everywhere and power would be fully restored and Kashy safely in Chicago. The winner will get invited to spend one full weekend with me in Kalakuta Republic.


Farewell My Buddy President Jonathan And Crew

I will not miss the following people, Femi Fani Kayode, DOYIN Okupe, Olisa Metuh, Dr. Reuben Abati, Muazu, Orubebe and a host of all Lilliputians who contributed in no small measure to making this regime the laughing stock of the whole world. They in their no small measures ensured that the mobile comedy show continued and did not end even after the elections were won and lost. Recently, they have turned on themselves and the circus has continued. FFK accusing and counter accusing the NWC of the PDP and those ones fighting back and threatening to expose him. Too late, nothing to expose. We already knows he is dating a very beautiful and young lady who has been
exposed to the best Nigerian tax payers can afford. From flights in Private jets to come and take exams, to driving in brand new Range Rover cars and generally living the good life and inspiring all other young girls to forget to work very hard for tomorrow's blessing. So Olisa look for something new to tell us because FFK is an open book.
I'm happy this crew is leaving the stage. I hope they will also leave the party stage so that our party can rebuild and remerge. I suspect this new Government would need a responsive and well guided opposition party to keep them on their toes

Josph Edgar blogs at josephedgarng.blogspot.com